Thursday, 31 January 2013

"Conception"

FYC: "Conception" - Christopher Nolan's sci-fi follow-up in which a team of fertility experts led by a brilliant but psychologically traumatised Leonardo Di Caprio is hired to insert sperm into the fallopian tubes of a unwitting sleeping host without being detected.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

'Baker's Dozen'

FYC: 'Baker's Dozen' - Krystof Kieslowski's violent, madcap heist caper starring Tahar Rahim as wise-cracking veteran Lt Johnny Baker and his 11 disenfranchised war buddies who go for one last big score: knocking over the Knott's Berry Farm theme park next to Disneyland. But Baker doesn't count on having to bring in a bungling deaf mute (Juliette Binoche)... or falling in love!

Monday, 28 January 2013

"On Her Majesty's Silver Service"

FYC: "On Her Majesty's Silver Service" - Fish-out-of-water comedy in which hilarious CIA super-spy Ben Stiller is sent to infiltrate the snooty waiting staff of Buckingham Palace in order to unmask an Al-Qaida assassin and stop him (or is it her?!) from blowing up the Queen. Guest-featuring Rowan Atkinson as the young princes' drug-dealer and Vin Diesel as Pippa Middleton's twin arse cheeks.

Sunday, 27 January 2013

"As You Would Be Done By"

FYC: "As You Would Be Done By" - Hilarious sci-fi/rom-com/courtroom drama in which a paedophile with a conscience invents a time machine so he can abuse a child guilt-free, i.e. himself. Executive Produced by the late Michael Jackson, who contributed numerous songs including "Man in the mirror."

Friday, 25 January 2013

"Top Mutt: The Search for Hooch"

For Your Consideration: "Top Mutt: The Search for Hooch" - sequel to three 80s classics in which the soul of a fighter pilot's dying dog is transfered to his co-pilot's mind.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

"The Unbearable Lightness of Bling."

FYC: "The Unbearable Lightness of Bling." - Steven Seagal and Fifty Cent star as two mismatched detectives on the trail of ruthless diamond thieves in this sequel to Milan Kundera's meditation on Nietzsche. *warning* Heavy violence and eternally reccurent wobbling of Seagal's jowls.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

"Herbie's shit Christmas"

FYC: "Herbie's shit Christmas" - Festive finale to the automotive franchise. Herbie rolls in to Alabama on Christmas Eve, just as a hapless kitchen chemist accidentally taints the Klan's water with LSD. Afraid and hallucinating, the Klansmen mistake the feisty VW Beetle for a black man and set fire to him in a public lynching by the town square. Heart-warming.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

"Dude, where's my Tsar?!"

FYC: "Dude, where's my Tsar?!" - Prequel to 2000 stoner comedy with extra gravitas, in which two bungling Bolshevik serfs in early 20th Century Russia must recapture the Romanovs for a mass execution in Ipatiev House before the White-faction can rescue them... otherwise Lenin will not be pleased! Revolutionary.

Monday, 21 January 2013

"Two Legs Bad"

FYC: "Two Legs Bad" - A young boy (Vin Diesel) is put in a wheelchair after a terrible car accident results in amputation, but soon after finds he is haunted by the ghost of his own legs.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

"Taxi Driver 2: You talkin' to M.E. ?"

FYC: "Taxi Driver 2: You talkin' to M.E. ?" - Paedo vigilante nut-job Travis Bickle has to take on the new Colombian drug barons whilst also battling Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Contains simulated sex and real rain.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

"Sense & Sensimilla"

FYC: "Sense and Sensimilla"-Adaptation of Austen classic from makers of "Shottas".When their father Dash is killed, sisters Marianne and Elinor have to resettle in Trenchtown,where Marianne becomes a crack-whore and Elinor gets involved in money-laundering.The two must find a balance between their smarts and their hearts to find happiness, true love, and enough guns to take their revenge in a protracted gang war. Music by Michael Buble

Friday, 18 January 2013

"If it had to be anyone, I'm glad it was you."

FYC: "If it had to be anyone, I'm glad it was you." - Krzysztof KieĊ›lowsk's bittersweet romance about a Vatican altar boy and the Pope. Touching.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

"Napoleon vs. Predator"

For Your Consideration: "Napoleon vs. Predator" - High-concept prequel to Tolstoy's 'War and Peace'. Starring Vin Diesel as a broken cupboard on the Kuragin estate.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

"The Animal Imperative."

For Your Consideration: "The Animal Imperative." - Touching drama about the young Immanuel Kant's romantic obsession with an orangutan in Konigsberg zoo. Based on a true story. Starring Vin Diesel (as Immanuel Kant), Vin Diesel (as Juliette the orangutan), and Vin Diesel (as himself).

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

ANNOUNCEMENT OF REPERTORY PROGRAMMING

Little Gold Eunuch is proud to announce it will be re-screening a large number of its films for the Academy (this means you!) in the next few weeks.

We will be dredging them from the oldest, most fetid parts of our celluloid bowels, so hopefully it won't be too boring for you...

Sunday, 13 January 2013

ULU-CHOD ! Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Kashmir

FYC: "ULU-CHOD ! Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Kashmir" - Shot back to back with its predecessor, in this outing McGee's avian rapine almost causes a third Indo-Pakistan war in the volatile, triply-divided valley.

After McGee escapes America, having made a killing on sub-prime loans and having his psychiatrist held as an Al Qaeda agent in Gitmo, the benighted residents of Kashmir enjoy a brief respite from the ongoing conflict when rumours surface of a mysterious stranger offering $68,000 as a bounty for any large owls that can be found and delivered alive - but they must weigh 3kg or over to be big enough for his purposes.


A frenzy of owl-hunting follows, but it turns out that the enigmatic eccentric is even harder to find than giant owls themselves.

The mood swiftly turns both to revulsion, however, when the air is filled with distressed  hooting at unusual times of day, and scores of dead and seriously wounded Bubo bengalensis are found littering the valley with their insides full to the brim with blood and human semen - these owls are not simply being sacrificed for Diwali black-magic, after all.

Indian and Pakistan blame each other for this grotesque violation of majestic regional fauna, and nationalistic tensions run high... can McGee escape before the shelling starts?

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

Thursday, 10 January 2013

Owl-Fucker McGee's Great Horn For The Great Horned

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee's Great Horn For The Great Horned" - Fresh from his jaunt to Brazil, Owl-Fucker McGee (Jeremy Irons) gives his psychiatrist (Cate Blanchett) the slip and heads to Yellowstone National Park, where he plans to fuck the virgin anuses of as many Bubo virginianus'es as he can before his inevitable recapture. Co-starring Emily Blunt as the conservationist and part-time Park Ranger trying to solve the mystery of who has been putting up giant nets between the trees in the park, and who falls in love with McGee, but can't understand why her affections are unreturned... what will she do when she discovers his dark secret?