Friday, 29 June 2012

Die Dunkelheitherz

FYC: "Die Dunkelheitherz" - Leni Riefenstahl's long-lost adaptation of Joseph Conrad classic, in which Gestapo agent Eckhart Mahler is sent up the Vorskla to find and kill Colonel Kurchner, a high ranking Nazi camp kommandant who has 'gone native' and is refusing to exterminate subhumans in his concentration camp in the Ukraine. Unmissable genocidal propaganda master-piece, hailed for its innovative use of dolly shots and deep focus, as well as the fact that the original celluloid was partially rendered from the bodies of gypsies.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

The Horror Over Soho

FYC: "The Horror Over Soho" - Depressing and somewhat nauseating true tale, told with excrutiating flashbacks, about a braying, coked-up marketing executive holding court in a champagne bar, regaling his sycophantic colleagues with stories of his sordid infidelities and greatest personal achievments, including coming up with a (failed) pitch for a sport-related biscuit campaign ("SCOR-eos!") and rebranding an ugly little hatchback as a "mini-SUV", complete with tiny bull-bars, for which he considers himself some sort of cross between Bill Hicks and Albert Einstein. An impassioned argument for human extinction.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Ghost In the Machine - The Clubhouse Murders

FYC: "Ghost In the Machine - The Clubhouse Murders" - Thought provoking documentary about the cause of the tragedy at Colby's Clubhouse, where everyone's formerly-favourite evangelical droid from the God Channel ran amok after asking Pat Robertson whether he would go to heaven for his good works saving little children in Jesus' name, and being told that as a robot he had no soul and therefore could not be saved, but would pass away, rust to rust, into the everlasting empty night of Sheol.

Colby subsequently went on his infamous eleven day cybernetic pedo murder spree, eventually being destroyed by the army, his last words cursing both his human and divine creators. A salutary reminder of the dangers of playing god, even in God's name.

Monday, 18 June 2012

Greece: The Musical

FYC: "Greece: The Musical" - High-school romance goes sour after teen heart-throb Helen spends all of gang-leader Angel Deutsch's hard-earned money during a long hot summer of fun, and finds she is unable to pay him back... unless she consents to being repeatedly fucked by him and his whole gang.

If she doesn't, will anyone want to date her again? On the other hand, who would want the sloppy seconds left over by Angel and co.? The whole school waits with baited breath for her decision - will she or won't she? Starring Lady Sovereign-Debt as Helen.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Out and About

FYC: "Out and About" - Howard is a well-liked English literature teacher in a small private school, living in a sleepy little town with his fiancée and fellow teacher Emily. The town is filled with anticipation over the nomination of Howard's former student, Dick, for the Best Actor Oscar. He does indeed win the Best Actor award, and in his acceptance speech, tearfully outs Howard as gay on global television.

This is news to Howard, whose family, friends, students , colleagues, and Emily react with all-too-predictable righteous indignation and shun him, whilst he angrily tries to reassure those who know him that he is heterosexual. Local hooligans begin harassing him following the awards night telecast, smearing "DIE FAG!!!" in excrement on his front door and throwing empty beer bottles at his head at speed from moving cars whilst hollering like frenzied apes, and Howard is sacked by his boss, a Christian-fundamentalist Principal who is uncomfortable with a gay teacher being at the school - not being a government employee, Howard has no legal recourse.

Things come to a head when a kid at school who Howard had expelled for misconduct retroactively accuses him of pederasty, and he flees the town, attempting to drown his sorrows in a dive-bar. But after the truckers there recognise him from a TV news article, they drag him screaming into the car park where they beat him with tire-irons and set him on fire. The film ends with everyone dancing round his flaming corpse to the Village People's song "Macho Man". Light hearted liberal fun.

Friday, 8 June 2012


FYC: "Office/Drone" - 'Office Space' meets 'The Terminator' in this story of bored office-workers piloting combat drones in an anonymous cubicle-farm in Langley, filling out Termination Piloting Schedule reports and wishing they had more interesting, meaningful lives. Includes the hilarious sequence where a suspected leader of Al-Qaida in the Yemen escapes being bombed because someone tripped over the Ethernet cable of the wireless router.

The Littlest Foetus

FYC: "The Littlest Foetus" - Delightful Disney spectacular directed by Mike Leigh, in which a young girl is forced to become a toilet cleaner and has a fairy-tale romance with the elevator engineer in the office where she works, before getting accidentally pregnant, dumped, sacked by her monstrous Christian fundamentalist boss and finally miscarrying. Infamous for cost over-runs caused by Leigh insisting his animators sketch whatever came in to their heads for six months before writing a script. Includes the depressing hit songs 'A Bowl of Turd', 'The Circle of Shite' and 'Under the Seat'.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Blue Oranges Are Not the Only Clockwork Fruit

FYC: "Blue Oranges Are Not the Only Clockwork Fruit" - Post-modern mashup about two psychotic young black lesbians (Daphne and Celeste) in a dystopian Christian-fundamentalist future, whom they try to 'cure' using aversion therapy and eventually frontal lobotomies. Less than the sum of its parts.

Monday, 4 June 2012

What to Expect When You're Expecting to Die of Bowel Cancer

FYC: "What to Expect When You're Expecting to Die of Bowel Cancer" - Light-hearted bittersweet reprise of the ensemble medico-self-help formula in which Tom Hanks holds Sandra Bullock's hand through nine gruelling months of chemotherapy, agonizing fever and shitting pints of black, putrefying blood before she finally expires just as their son returns home from infant school on the day before Thanksgiving. Cameos include Vin Diesel as a massive, malign, hemorrhaging colorectal tumor.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

What Color's Your Star?!

Charming comedy in which Jennifer Anniston stars as a ditzy but lovable S.S. camp Kommandante at Birkenau, who doesn't count on falling in love with an impish Gypsy clown scheduled for extermination (Adam Sandler). But even more complications ensue when she realises that he is not only a Gypsy, but gay as well... and furthermore, absolutely devoted to a grumpy Hasidic priest also in the camp (Zack Galifiniakis).

Can she 'turn' him and consummate her passion before he's gassed or starves to death?