Friday, 25 May 2012

"Pedro the Pedo"

FYC: "Pedro the Pedo" - Heart-warming tale about a racist young Tea-Party activist who hates immigrants so much, he decides to take one for the team by assuming an identity as a gay murderous Mexican child-molester, crossing into Mexico and then wet-backing into Texas where he will live out his life washing dishes at Denny's and skulking around playgrounds, until he is finally brought to justice and executed, in the hope of creating a wave of anti-immigration rioting, staying in character till the end. Famous for the stirring voice-over as he sits awaiting justice, in which he explains that the children's sacrifice will not be in vain, and that "...those beautiful American angels were corn-holed and killed by me to defend the spirit of the Founding Fathers."

Starring Christian Bale as 'Pedro' and Danny De Vito as the Latino hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold who protects him when arrives barefoot and hungry in he Houston after crossing over, whom he promptly drops a dime on to the immigration authorities. Also starring Vin Diesel as a steel fence-post at the border.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

The Preposition

FYC: "The Preposition" - Bernt Capra's follow-up to the antipodean festival-darling famously penned-by Nick Cave, in which a Victorian linguist undertakes doctoral research comparing Aboriginal syntactic structures. Involves considerably less torture and rape than its predecessor, excepting the ending in which the linguist's pregnant wife's stomach is bayonated by a bandit who then fucks the hole until she dies.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

No Win, No Fee

FYC: "No Win, No Fee" - Uwe Boll's meditative adaptation of John Grisham's long-suppressed abortive debut thriller. Daniel Malwell (Vin Diesel) is an idealistic young lawyer who scored 189 on his MBE and subsequently had his pick of placements, but the prestigous law firm (specialising in unpaid professional wrestling fees) that he chooses turns out to be a hive of villainy and corruption, frequently over-charging the number of billable hours and playing fast and loose with taxi expenses.

Appalled by the darkness he has found in the heart of the American legal system, Daniel finds both his moral and metaphysical certainties shaken to the core, ultimately descending into madness and suing himself for his own unpaid legal fees.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Manic-Depressive"

FYC: "My Little Pony: Friendship is Manic-Depressive" - Kyle MacLachlan plays Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn pony sent by the ruler of Equestria to the town of Ponyville to study the magic of friendship in this update of the "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" formula.

Initially, the unicorn's new home seems idyllic; all is not well in Ponyville, however, and the dream begins to corrode into a nightmare as the sinister pony Nightmare Moon starts to appear with increasing frequency, spreading everlasting night and infecting her new found pony friends with the curse of talking backwards.

As Twillight Sparkle stays up past bedtime trying to defeat the strange menace, she becomes dangerously addicted to illicit caffeine, buying vast quantities from a seedy and violent pimp (played by Gary Oldman).

The more she drinks, the more hears the terrifying clanking and screaming of tortured industrial machinery, seeing visions in the clouds of milk in her coffee as the lights flicker ominously.

Eventually her reality breaks down and she realises she is in fact a deformed male vagrant who has been performing a one man show of Russian Roulette in exchange for PCP once a night on a stage for the entertainment of the clients of a brothel.

He realises then that he is escaping from the guilt of killing his daughter in a traffic accident, and his, and the audience's misery is finally ended when he blows his head off.

This much-misunderstood partial animation has proved to be David Lynch's least critically acclaimed film since Dune.

Monday, 7 May 2012

"Dark Knight Fi Dead"

FYC: "Dark Knight Fi Dead" - A rare tropical outing for Bob Kane's vigilante as he follows the Joker from frosty Gotham to sunny Jamaica when he discovers the criminal master-mind is heavily involved with cocaine smuggling, money laundering and corrupt bauxite magnates and politicians in the Carribean. At first the World's Greatest Detective's breed of frontier justice is welcomed with open arms by the locals, but when wildly popular homophobic reggae DJ Sizzla's exhortation to "Murder all batty-man dem!" is misheard due to a defective speaker, the Caped Crusader finds there is an ugly side to the paradise island...