Saturday, 25 October 2014

Mike Leigh's Dracula

FYC: "Mike Leigh's Dracula" - Kitchen-sink update of Victorian Gothic masterpiece set on a Romford council estate, where Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) and his three brides (Sally Hawkins, Claire Skinner and Karin Fernandez) have fallen on hard times and subsist on the blood of crack addicts and economy bottles of White Lightning super-strength cider. The Count feels an ever increasing world-weary ennui as his wives nag him to finish minor domestic repair jobs and the off-licence threatens to close his line of credit; he only finds solace in his obsession with the young Polish girl who works at the ill-fated Fro-Yo outlet in the Liberty Shopping Centre, but it is soon to close its doors, leaving the Count with no hope for the future. Horrific.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

The Anti-Social Network

FYC:"The Anti-Social Network" - Morality tale biopic of  activist turned entrepreneur Terry Cholmondley, CEO of  multi-thousand-dollar 'Silicon Roundabout' social network for dendrophiles, Timbrr. The film charts his progress from lonely bush masturbator to his arrest for fucking a tree near a nuclear installation, and his ultimate bitter-sweet redemption as Timbrr unites dendrophiles across the world, but he is permanently banned from Kew Gardens.

Monday, 22 September 2014

Whitley Streiber's Button Moon

FYC: "Whitley Streiber's Button Moon" - Updated genre-mash of terrifying alien abduction story Communion with maudlin-songed 80's children's TV classic Button Moon. Christopher Walken reprises his role as unfortunate horror writer and space bumee Whitley Streiber, whilst CGI-rendered voyeuristic interplanetary sex-beast Mr. Spoon steps in to administer repeated rectal probes. Guest-starring Vin Diesel as a large yellow button.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

A Clockwork Orange (2014)

FYC: "A Clockwork Orange (2014)" - Originally intended to be directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, this radical re-imagineering of the Kubrick/Burgess dystopian meditation on free-will ended up in the hands of Paul W.S. Anderson due to a clerical error. Starring Vin Diesel literally as a citrus fruit made out of cogs.

Friday, 18 April 2014

Cats - The Musical, Part 2

FYC: "Cats - The Musical, Part 2" - Bella Tarr's ponderous, realist follow up to the Lloyd-Weber stage sensation. Consists entirely of contortionists, each naked except for a furry pair of ears and a tail, sleeping for ninety minutes then studiously licking their own anuses whilst sticking one leg in the air like a ballerina.

Saturday, 22 February 2014

Father Brown Is Investigated

FYC: "Father Brown Is Investigated" - Realist feature adaptation of the G K Chesterton short stories, from the recent helmers of the James Bond franchise. Catholic priest Father Brown uses his superb reasoning skills and almost supernatural cunning to hide his brutal paedophile crimes from bumbling detectives.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

James Bond: Gratin for Next Year

FYC: "James Bond: Gratin for Next Year" - Danny Dyer brings an earthy note to the espionaging English sociopathic sophisticate in yet another depressing realist interpretation of the franchise, this time helmed by Michael Haneke.

After an Iranian nuclear physicist is sent to Dubai for long term residential treatment after a stroke gives him vascular dementia, Bond is sent undercover as an orderly to try to recover as many memories of his work as possible before they are lost. Cue three hours of the glamorous spy wiping up shit and vomit and blood, whilst he grows increasingly frustrated and guilty whilst he pretends to the old man that he's his grandson to get the totally unreliable information off him, which his superiors are hoping can justify yet another oil war.

Ultimately Bond is hospitalised himself after a pathetic suicide attempt.

Includes the immortal line: "Me name's Bond, ya fahkin' slag! JAMES BOND!!"

Sunday, 29 December 2013

The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli

FYC: "The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli" - Brooding and depressing French meditation on morality and gender politics by the director of Amour.

Sophisticated middle-aged dominatrix Hélène Stromboli, acknowledged by the fetishists of Paris as the best cock puncher in the business, finds her world turned upside down when the beautiful young Natalie approaches her with a strange request; rather than seeking to learn the secrets of cock punching herself, she instead asks to hire Stromboli to punch her in the twat.

This causes Hélène to spiral in to a maelstrom of confusion and apathy, and to reflect on her marriage, career, and motherhood. Can she punch a woman in the twat? Should she? DARE she..?

Friday, 1 November 2013

The Glass Ceiling

FYC: "The Glass Ceiling" - Futuristic, mind-bending tale in which a director makes a slightly intellectually ambitious film which does not feature music by Philip Glass, the first such film in seventy years, causing an outbreak of mass confusion and hysteria.

Score by Philip Glass.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Stuck Together

FYC: "Stuck Together" - A teen neo-Nazi punk becomes possessed by the ghost of an old Russian Jewish immigrant victim of the 1908 Boston fire, which started in the Boston Blacking Company and ravaged Boston's Chelsea district, after sniffing too many haunted glue sticks made by its successor company Bostik. Heartwarming bonding ensues.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Turdburglar Hill, a.k.a. Purple Heart-Break

FYC: "Turdburglar Hill", a.k.a. "Purple Heart-Break" - Brokeback Mountain meets Platoon in this miscalculated attempt at both Oscar-bait and self-rehabilitation from his homophobic reputation by Rush Hour director Brett Ratner involving a steamy love triangle between Joaquin Phoenix's green-horn squad lieutenant, Ving Rhames' stoic but sly sergeant and Jet Li's inscrutable Viet-Cong POW.

Hopes of nomination were dashed when Ratner pronounced "I felt it was time to pay tribute to the contribution made to our country by gay servicemen and women and to counter the culture of institutional and casual prejudices that undermine our humanity, and the best way for me to do that was through the healing medium of storytelling entertainment [...] and with Rush Hour I've shown that I can entertain better than anyone... just give me a gook and a nigger and a couple of action sequences and I'm good to go."

Monday, 21 October 2013

The Gu Identity

FYC: "The Gu Identity" -  Chinese take on the Bourne franchise, in which the rogue element of the glorious Chinese military intelligence service is trying to sabotage the righteous assassinations of scoundrels and agitators against the People's Communist Party.

Amnesiac assassin 'Tommy Gu', who was almost killed by these so-called reformist plotters, must purge the security services of the meddling influence of foreign devils. The film ends with Gu being hailed as a hero and the families of the people he executed having to pay for the bullets. Sponsored by Google.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Countdown - Long Cuts

FYC: "Countdown - Long Cuts" - Thought long lost, this is the director's cut of one of Robert Altman's earliest films, a ponderous cold-war sci-fi about the race for the moon released a year before the first actual lunar landing. Thi version primarily restores three hours of extra footage of sixty people talking over each other at Houston mission control and an insipid jazz soundtrack, and also has Altman's secretly filmed alternate ending in which James Caan's lead character uses up all his three hours of oxygen terminally playing the sax on the moon.