Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!

FYC: "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!"  - Biopic of the colorful Nobel prize winning polymath Dr. Richard Feynman, noted for his brilliant contributions to quantum electrodynamics, the development of the atomic bomb, and later to such concepts as nanotechnology and massively-parallel quantum computing systems. Starring Vin Diesel.

In Search Of Lost Spunk

FYC: "In Search Of Lost Spunk" - Michael Winterbottom's pornographic version of Proust's classic performance-art piece/novel in which Casey Affleck stars as the frustrated author whose entire history of sexual escapades (mostly impotence and masturbation) comes flooding back to his mind after he loses a game of limp biscuit (arranged as a witless and spiteful 'pun' after he and his friends are kicked out of Madeleine de Scudery's salon for drunkeness) and bites into the heavily semen-frosted confection.

Down and Out in Washington, D.C.

FYC: "Down and Out in Washington, D.C." - Sean Penn stars and directs in magic-realist fable in the tradition of Jerzy Kosinski, Paulo Coelho and Frank Capra in which Adam Panandros, a learning-disabled homosexual, is goaded into running for the presidency as a joke by vicious internet trolls... but soon it is Adam who is laughing, as he somehow wins over the hardest hearts in America and becomes a front-runner on a simple platform of his natural innocence and warmth... and his stock answer to all questions of "SMILES AND HUGS!"

The National Down Syndrome Society has called the film "patronisingly offensive at best" and urged a boycott, but Penn has argued that he is promoting inclusiveness and portraying a positive role-model for the learning disabled - in an effort to prove his sincerity and deflect criticism, he has vowed to stay in character as 'Adam' until he wins an Oscar.

Tunnel of Love

FYC: "Tunnel of Love" - Tragi-comic hijinks in Hampstead as a bungling necrophile ring uses a secret abandoned nuclear bunker to dig passages under Highgate cemetery so they can stealthily procure and violate its famous deceased residents' corpses without detection.

But their nocturnal shenanigans take a dangerous and unexpected turn when, unbeknownst to our protagonists, Levi Roots has to find a quick dumping ground for a toxic batch of Reggae-Reggae Sauce, and chances upon the bunker... Will the necrophiles get to have their way with Karl Marx's skeleton and escape before they drown in sub-standard jerk marinade?

"James Bond: Slatch For Yesterday"

FYC: "James Bond: Slatch For Yesterday" - Another thrilling realist outing for the world's favourite spy, as he spends four days puking and shitting himself in a Mumbai hotel room after getting heat-exhaustion, culminating in a tense four hour wait for a delivery boy to give him a SIM card from a cell phone that once may have been borrowed by a rogue Pakistani ISS agent. But back in the UK, will Q be able to work out which of the numbers on the call log belongs to the terrorists, or will he simply supply all four hundred numbers to the USA and have them order the Indians to just round everyone up for rendition to Gitmo?

And now, a word from our sponsor...

Software

FYC: "Software" - When a rogue Free-Software hacker known only as 'Gnudity' starts releasing plans for 3D-printing parts of an artificially-intelligent robot sex doll, enraged organised criminals from around the world fear the demise of the world's oldest profession. They decide to put aside their differences to band together and hunt down and exterminate GNUdity before he perfects his (or is it her?) open-source cybernetic twat...

Danny Satchmo

FYC: "Danny Satchmo" - Long-lost Michael Winner treasure from early 70s, in which Charlton Heston stars as a brave Caucasian detective who blacks-up so he can go undercover inside a vicious gang of Negroid hoodlums and rapists called The Jungle Savages.

Dishonor Before Death

FYC: "Dishonor Before Death" - Daniel Day Lewis stars as a C.I.A. psy-ops chief who tries to turn around the fortunes of the War On Terror by leveraging traditional Muslim ideals of honour to demoralise Al Qaeda by assassinating their  leaders in the most grotesquely ignominious ways possible. But what is the most shameful way for an Islamic militant to die?

After the herd of experimental turban-rape pigs are accidentally freed by P.E.T.A. and run amok in a local mosque, the project is almost shut down... But how can the president resist the idea of an elite squad of clown assassins, trained up to Navy S.E.A.L. standards, dropped deep behind enemy lines... "Who, after all Mister President, can kill more silently than a mime? And think how many clowns we can deploy from a very small plane!"

And so a failing circus is secretly recruited for the task of offing the terrorists' number one man, somehwere in deepest Afghanistan...

Arnold Schwarzeneger plays the brain damaged Strong Man, with his vice-like grip of death; Brad Pitt plays the maverick knife thrower who must take over the mission when circus ring-master Tommy Lee Jones falls from the commando-stilts whilst scaling Mullah Omar's compound walls, and Emily Blunt stars as the rookie mime who has to learn to juggle grenades instead of brightly coloured plastic balls.

Also starring Vin Diesel as the tent pole.

'I'm lovin' it!' - Ronald McDonald's Rufinol Rape Escapades

FYC: " 'I'm lovin' it!' - Ronald McDonald's Rufinol Rape Escapades" - The Hamburglar gets a Big Mac he wasn't bargaining for when he falls into the evil clown's perverse trap.

John Lasseter and Don Thompson thought they had a license to print money with this cynical Pixar/Disney tie-in, but once Gasper Noe took the director's helm he made significant script changes to the original family-friendly animation project and was fired half way through.

Despite detailed guidance from Pixar chief-brass, Noe's replacement Todd Solondz was inexplicably unable to get the film back to a sub NC-17 rating.

PBR Jihad!

FYC: "PBR Jihad!" - Joaquin Phoenix's directorial debut is an updated version of 'Quadrophenia', in which instead of Mods with scooters versus Rockers with leather jackets, there are hipsters on Segways versus Islamists with Semtex vests, transplanted from trendy Brighton beach to anonymous Lancashire shit-tip Morecambe Bay.

Two child hood friends are caught up in the intense rivalry - but only one of them is wearing a bomb... Featuring iconic music selected by Pitchfork, and halal silence selected by Mullah Omar.

In 2 Deep

FYC: "In 2 Deep" - Sequel to the wildly popular lethargic extreme sport film "In Deep", in which professional comatosees see how much Propofol they can be injected with and still actually wake up from afterwards.

Vin Diesel stars as young maverick sleeper Butch Octane, who is put through a rigorous training process by a curmudgeonly, Night-Nurse addicted, burned-out ex-sleeper played by Krist Kristofferson, who is haunted by personal demons. Scarlett Johansson plays the  anaesthetist attending to Butch, beneath whose frosty surface lies a yearning, fiery, untamed passion.

Soporific.

Gory Hole a.k.a. Down-Low...

FYC: "Gory Hole" a.k.a. "Down-Low...": - Peter Dinklage stars against type in Terrence Malick's ponderous, post-modernist genre thriller, in which a psychopathic dwarf serial-killer sneaks into gas-station toilets through the window and uses his filed-to-a-point teeth to bite off the cocks of closeted truckers looking to get their usual anonymous blow-jobs through holes in the stall partitions - the unsuspecting victim then usually bleeds to death.

Idris Elba stars as the dignified black detective who tracks the insane murderer to his lair, with Vin Diesel in multiple roles as the pickled phalluses of the mad midget's victims. Based on Umberto Eco's longest work,"Piccolo".