Friday, 18 April 2014

Cats - The Musical, Part 2

FYC: "Cats - The Musical, Part 2" - Bella Tarr's ponderous, realist follow up to the Lloyd-Weber stage sensation. Consists entirely of contortionists, each naked except for a furry pair of ears and a tail, sleeping for ninety minutes then studiously licking their own anuses whilst sticking one leg in the air like a ballerina.

Saturday, 22 February 2014

Father Brown Is Investigated

FYC: "Father Brown Is Investigated" - Realist feature adaptation of the G K Chesterton short stories, from the recent helmers of the James Bond franchise. Catholic priest Father Brown uses his superb reasoning skills and almost supernatural cunning to hide his brutal paedophile crimes from bumbling detectives.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

James Bond: Gratin for Next Year

FYC: "James Bond: Gratin for Next Year" - Danny Dyer brings an earthy note to the espionaging English sociopathic sophisticate in yet another depressing realist interpretation of the franchise, this time helmed my Michael Haneke.

After an Iranian nuclear physicist is sent to Dubai for long term residential treatment after a stroke gives him vascular dementia, Bond is sent undercover as an orderly to try to recover as many memories of his work as possible before they are lost. Cue three hours of the glamorous spy wiping up shit and vomit and blood, whilst he grows increasingly frustrated and guilty whilst he pretends to the old man that he's his grandson to get the totally unreliable information off him, which his superiors are hoping can justify yet another oil war.

Ultimately Bond is hospitalised himself after a pathetic suicide attempt.

Includes the immortal line: "Me name's Bond, ya fahkin' slag! JAMES BOND!!"

Sunday, 29 December 2013

The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli

FYC: "The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli" - Brooding and depressing French meditation on morality and gender politics by the director of Amour.

Sophisticated middle-aged dominatrix Hélène Stromboli, acknowledged by the fetishists of Paris as the best cock puncher in the business, finds her world turned upside down when the beautiful young Natalie approaches her with a strange request; rather than seeking to learn the secrets of cock punching herself, she instead asks to hire Stromboli to punch her in the twat.

This causes Hélène to spiral in to a maelstrom of confusion and apathy, and to reflect on her marriage, career, and motherhood. Can she punch a woman in the twat? Should she? DARE she..?

Friday, 1 November 2013

The Glass Ceiling

FYC: "The Glass Ceiling" - Futuristic, mind-bending tale in which a director makes a slightly intellectually ambitious film which does not feature music by Philip Glass, the first such film in seventy years, causing an outbreak of mass confusion and hysteria.

Score by Philip Glass.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Stuck Together

FYC: "Stuck Together" - A teen neo-Nazi punk becomes possessed by the ghost of an old Russian Jewish immigrant victim of the 1908 Boston fire, which started in the Boston Blacking Company and ravaged Boston's Chelsea district, after sniffing too many haunted glue sticks made by its successor company Bostik. Heartwarming bonding ensues.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Turdburglar Hill, a.k.a. Purple Heart-Break

FYC: "Turdburglar Hill", a.k.a. "Purple Heart-Break" - Brokeback Mountain meets Platoon in this miscalculated attempt at both Oscar-bait and self-rehabilitation from his homophobic reputation by Rush Hour director Brett Ratner involving a steamy love triangle between Joaquin Phoenix's green-horn squad lieutenant, Ving Rhames' stoic but sly sergeant and Jet Li's inscrutable Viet-Cong POW.

Hopes of nomination were dashed when Ratner pronounced "I felt it was time to pay tribute to the contribution made to our country by gay servicemen and women and to counter the culture of institutional and casual prejudices that undermine our humanity, and the best way for me to do that was through the healing medium of storytelling entertainment [...] and with Rush Hour I've shown that I can entertain better than anyone... just give me a gook and a nigger and a couple of action sequences and I'm good to go."

Monday, 21 October 2013

The Gu Identity

FYC: "The Gu Identity" -  Chinese take on the Bourne franchise, in which the rogue element of the glorious Chinese military intelligence service is trying to sabotage the righteous assassinations of scoundrels and agitators against the People's Communist Party.

Amnesiac assassin 'Tommy Gu', who was almost killed by these so-called reformist plotters, must purge the security services of the meddling influence of foreign devils. The film ends with Gu being hailed as a hero and the families of the people he executed having to pay for the bullets. Sponsored by Google.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Countdown - Long Cuts

FYC: "Countdown - Long Cuts" - Thought long lost, this is the director's cut of one of Robert Altman's earliest films, a ponderous cold-war sci-fi about the race for the moon released a year before the first actual lunar landing. Thi version primarily restores three hours of extra footage of sixty people talking over each other at Houston mission control and an insipid jazz soundtrack, and also has Altman's secretly filmed alternate ending in which James Caan's lead character uses up all his three hours of oxygen terminally playing the sax on the moon.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Cop Out !

FYC: "Cop Out !" -  Homophobic Paul Rudd comedy in the vein of Police Academy in which a lazy, cowardly, gay detective uses his sexual orientation as an excuse to turn down any difficult or dangerous cases. Prequel to the sci-fi celluloid disaster Spaced Out!

Monday, 7 October 2013

You've got SPAM !

FYC: "You've got SPAM !" - Adam Sandler stars as Joel Pistachio in this feel good fantasy about a man who trades his anal virginity to a filthy, reeking, mysterious hobo (Tom Hanks) in exchange for a magical e-mail account that makes the spam in his inbox come true as long as there is a regular supply of hobo sperm into his dirtbox.

Soon he has the perfect six pack, a giant penis, as much Cialis as he would ever need, discount Rolexes, an uncanny ability to chat up the ladies and US$419,000 gifted to him randomly by the god-fearing relative of a corrupt Nigerian politician. But when a message arrives from the incredibly beautiful daughter of a billionaire who has been abducted and held hostage in Spain, whose identity must remain a secret and whom only Joel can help, the uncanny vagrant disappears, and Joel must find him and keep him from drinking himself to death just long enough to pump him full of putrid tramp jism one last time...

Friday, 13 September 2013

Blunder-Cover

FYC: "Blunder-Cover" - Ben Stiller farce in which nondescript failed thriller writer, Thomas Devizes, is hired by the CIA to pretend to be a disillusioned former CIA agent in order to write and sell a "tell all" autobiography full of totally spurious misinformation about the CIA's operations and procedures. In the inevitable 'twist' clearly signaled about two minutes into the fucking film, he becomes disillusioned of his new job and lifestyle and tries to write and promote a "tell all" about the operation itself, which is widely derided by critics and public alike as a tawdry cash-in sequel. Also starring Vin Diesel as a Washington D.C. tree trunk into which a dead-letter-box has been carved.

Friday, 30 August 2013

Age Is Just A Number

FYC: "Age Is Just A Number" - Roman Polanski's erotic slapstick courtroom dramedy in which a Hindu priest prosecuted for child molestation uses the Rig Veda to come to his defence, arguing that although his victim appeared to be 8 years old, once reincarnation was taken into account she was actually several millennia above the age of consent. Also starring Vin Diesel as the bemused judge's gavel-block.